All My Eggs Was Right There...

Yes, because I'm a feelings blogger I'll go ahead and say some things today. I was watching a recap of the XFactor recently (like today since I'm allowing myself a grieving period- I'm somewhere between bitterness and big dreams) and a contestant who blew his audition was caught saying "All my eggs was right there, all my eggs was right there." It gave me an immense amount of hope, oddly enough, because I've not put "all my eggs" in an earthly basket.

Yesterday, was my last day at a job I had big dreams for,  it was not my last day by choice. I was laid off, last man on the totem pole type thing I assume, I guess.

     It was funny, as I sat in the mini office with frosted doors at the circular table that I'm sure someone put much thought in to (laying people off should be done in the most pleasant of ways, with eye contact at a coffee table that lets people know, we're not presumptuous we're friends discussing matters that are ever so dreadful) I was caught up in the surrealism of it all. As cliche as it is, I couldn't help thinking the whole time "did I wake up this morning or am I dreaming?"
     While listening, or at least trying to listen, I watched the tears well up in the eyes of the girl next to me and vaguely heard her questions as they laid both of us off. I remember her asking if we needed to be escorted out and my brain snapped back down for a moment. Yes, out, I need to leave immediately; it was hot and uncomfortable in that room. Friends would tell you that my immediate reaction to tears is to run as far and as fast away as possible, I don't know how to console them and I probably have an even greater fear of being seen with them. Whatever it is, it's a flaw.
     I stood up as soon as  they stopped talking looked across the small round desk and said, "I wish I could say it was nice meeting you or thanks but I'm afraid I can't," packed my bag as quickly as possible and got in my car.

There was the worst feeling of shame about the whole thing.  It was the feeling of being replaceable in my own story. I hadn't made myself or my work invaluable, my daily life and tasks had not only been completely meaningless to someone, I myself had been counter productive to the entire company's vision.  Alright, that's probably reading into the whole thing a bit too much, but I have big feelings for such a small girl. The reality of the matter was probably closer to budget cuts and last in first out, but emotion escapes reality. I was ashamed, I was emotional, I felt vulnerable.  But alas, as you all can guess, I am not defeated. :)

Since I was a baby, or at least that's where I like to start this story, I've known I was created to do big things.  And so, it starts...again. I truly have appreciated all of the support so far, so thank you everyone. I'm great, the company is still great, and the world hasn't stopped, mine has merely shifted paradigms.